Mary J music actually

  Oh yes it was.

  The Mary J music helped me with my Great White Father difficulties.

  Coffee, then I'll write about that.

  So there I was.  Just not able.  Not able to cross that bridge.  Or that one.  Nope, not that one either.  But I couldn't say NOOOooooo bridges.  Just couldn't.

  Not really stuck.  Just, no.

  What do you mean I can't say no?

  Already happened, we're here now.

  No.

  I'd left it at turning off the media everytime a political ad came on or somebody said a "buzzword" like climate change or climate or weather.  That was adding difficulty to difficulty.

  My sisters and brothers would take little walks and not say much or talk like you know like when someone like.  Mom seemed to understand when I lifted my head using all the strength I had and told her I'm a visionary and this is NOT what I envisioned.  

  About YOUR life?

  Uh, and I let my head fall back down.

  I flicked through channels.  I settled on middle of the road TV like CSIs where the characters are predominantly good people dealing with a confusing world.  But then I'd seen them all and as with books, I don't like to read things in perpetua.  I just got quiet.  In the quiet I re-membered stuff.  And I remembered that it was a list.  At first, it was a meditative list.  A person had told us launching on our journey types

  If you go down that road

  There were warnings of course.  Fierce opposition.  Real pain.  Exposure to suffering.

  Change.  Changing you.

  Varying abilities.  Challenges.  Opportunities.  Failures.

  Together AND alone.

  Seeing but not seeing.  Hearing but not hearing.  Talking but not talking.  The words were doubling and tripling with weight and texture.  Long pauses like the edges between a series of photographs.

  Split second performances.

  Other things on hold while

  Hand stopped taking notes.  Brain aligning juggled plates in a clown's hand.  Stack and cupboard or keep juggling?

  Choice.  Choices.  No choice.  No choices.  Pictured headlines: World makes choice.  The People Have Chosen.  It's a choice, you decide!

  A knock on the door.  You're awfully quiet in there.

  Can you tell Bee I need her?

  Through the closed door, Whatcha need LouLou?

  Mary J music.

  Okay.

  It wasn't like smuggling unannounced black girlfriends into the place.  But it was.  Or wrangling all of humanity onto one plate.  But it was.  Not like I was a jellyfish near a bridge.  But I was.  As soon as she slid the mix of Mary J music under the door I turned down the news.

  I put the CD in and like she remembered too the sound wasn't real loud...kind of equal with the news.  Like, I didn't invite myself up in here, but I'll let you listen.

  Mind: I need to.

  The Mary J music:  Let's go, in tones taking on strength and voice checking out...framed?  Not framed?  Music making more of an assemblage going towards topic.  But, but, beat.  Beating to, away, sailing, stopping, beat blending.

  Voice out loud, mine:  Not sure

  Computer frozen thumb up/thumb down.

  Not sure.

  Hadn't heard the Mary J music in a long time.  Each song itself like a still shot, some chalk chalking where it had been, more chalk scrubbing onto proverbial paper something